Hopscotch Thursday.
“I cling to the optimistic belief that the haphazard and the hopscotch, the creature that sips among many flowers, may actually come up with something.”
—Brad Leithauser: poet, MacArthur genius, Detroiter.
I can’t wait until August first.
It’s not just because August is my birth month. It’s not just because August (always) marks the start of summer vacation. Teaching, traveling, and conferences happen in June and July; except for IRSCL in 2015, I’ve always managed to take the first few weeks of the month off just before school begins.
It’s because this year, I am so busy that it’s difficult to take a deep breath.
When I was in undergrad, I figured that professors didn’t work as hard as K-12 teachers. After all, they didn’t have to teach 5 or more classes per day, then coach or sponsor clubs, and they certainly didn’t have the infamous “paper load.”
That view persisted until I was in a doctoral program. My professors at Michigan worked all the time. I remember how huge it was when my adviser took a week off between Christmas and New Year’s, telling us that “she’d be out of email and phone contact,” her voice tinged with guilt.
Couldn’t be me, I thought with relief that settled in when I got my first job at Wayne State. Sure, I was busy, but there was respite, time to write and think and dream.
Then came the opportunity to work at Penn. For the past 8 years, life has brought me experiences beyond any that I could have imagined in my wildest dreams. But life has also required nonstop work, and when I’m not working, thinking about work.
Professors engage in three primary activities: research, teaching, and service. Simple, right?
At the very top institutions, you’re required to write constantly. Sure, after tenure, you can technically stop writing, but few do that even if we slow down our rate. Our visibility leads to a flood of invitations. Our graduate students’ careers are helped when we write alongside them. And frankly, our ambition means that we have a lot to say, and endless intellectual curiosity to engage in…
But when you’re a prof, writing requires research. Whether buried in a library’s archives or in a lab, whether taking surveys in a clinic or observing a classroom, or whether crunching the numbers of big data sets or stargazing, we’re on an action-adventure quest of our own making, the heroes and sheroes of autobiographical stories that we star in… and often, are the only ones reading.
I’m gonna live forever.
I’m gonna learn how to fly.
Research requires writing grants. After receiving a spate of early career small awards, I’ve gone the past 4 years without a single drop. It takes up tons of time and energy. These days, winning the bigger awards is like winning the lottery. Recently, a group that I’m a co-PI on received very good news, but it does hit one’s ego. You begin to figure that your field thinks your research and writing aren’t very good… which means they believe you aren’t good enough, of course.
And there’s more.
All those venues for publication require editors. Since September 1, 2017, along with two of my colleagues, I have edited Research in the Teaching of English. It’s a labor of love, but mostly, it feels like labor. During weeks when I do nothing for the journal, it requires a minimum of 2 hours. Spring Break 2018, one of my co-editors and I spent 80 hours pulling things together.
Invisible labor, but at least we get credit. Know what we don’t get credit for? Peer reviews. Feedback is the lifeblood of the professoriate. You don’t get paid for it. It’s considered part of the job. Along with reviewing students’ papers, theses, and dissertations, we are expected to review journal articles, book manuscripts, curricula, provide expert opinions to the media, to the government, to corporations, to communities, and the list goes on.
At this stage of my career, at least half of my time during any given week is sent using my expertise to render judgment on things.
That brings me to teaching. 20 years ago, I figured that professors only taught a few courses a few times per week. Certainly, that’s true at a research institution. But, the flip side of working at a research institution is that your “teaching” includes mentoring master’s and especially doctoral students. The adviser-advisee role is weird as hell, time consuming, and requires years and years to figure out. Most professors begin by using their own relationships with their advisors as a model, which isn’t great. Academia is changing with the times, and our students are not us.
Advisers/advisors are teachers, mentors, work supervisors, evaluators, and arbiters. We shouldn’t be life coaches, therapists, or overfamiliar, but we get zero training on how to advise. What helped me in the mid-2010s, frankly, was plunging straight into the heart of Star Trek — I always tell people that being a professor at an R1 is like being a Starfleet captain. People get it or they don’t.
And then there is the service. THERE IS SO MUCH TO BE SAID. But this is getting long, and perhaps that should be another post.
Why am I thinking about hopscotch, then? Because last week, I hopscotched to Thursday after 3 weeks of nonstop work. It was so bad that a sorority sister texted me at the beginning of that period, and I didn’t realize she’d texted me until I realized I hadn’t checked texts for weeks.
I remember in mid-January, looking at February 13, and thinking, “Oh, God, if I can just get there… a day in PJs or yoga clothes… a day when I don’t have to put on jewelry and beat my face and get in the car and drive. A day to work at home.”
And then, last week, I gasped looking at this week. I didn’t realize that I’d have a day like that, again, today. I teach Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays, and pack those campus days to the gills… all while they’re packed for me. Tomorrow, Penn’s 40th Ethnography Forum begins, so I’m on campus all day tomorrow and Saturday. Sunday, I meet with colleagues, and then, it’s Monday-Tuesday-Wednesday again…
And on March 9th, I start traveling again. My schedule is here. Of course, I’ve chosen to pack things between March 11 and July 31 to the gills, but…
Whew.
“Next week,” said one of my advisees, charged with being one of the students running the Forum. “If I can get to next week, I’ll be alright.”
“March,” my chair said an hour later, when I asked him how he was doing. “It will be March soon.”
I understood them both. I am looking at my calendar, wondering how I’m going to get to the novel, wondering how I’ll get everything done, with more and more and more requests pouring in…
August 1st. Vacation. A calmer, gentler fall schedule, with one course instead of three, a slimmer advisee group… peace.
But then, I realized something that my mom always gently advises against…
I’ve been hopscotching through life.
When I graduate from high school…
When I graduate from college…
If I can just finish this master’s degree and get my pay boost…
Once I’m done with this PhD, and I’m in my new job…
Once I make tenure…
Once my book is out…
Once I buy my home…
Once I sell this novel…
Once I’m debt-free…
Once I am financially independent…
Once I move back to the Midwest…
…someday…
…someday.
Someday.
For the past 25 years, I’ve been hopscotching through life.
A striving, then, and a plea for the next 25:
To enjoy each day, each hour, each minute.
To find ways to smile in the midst of the storm.
To have the grace to dream, to hope, and to hope even when “snowed under,” “under water,” and totally overwhelmed.
Hopscotch is a fun game for children. But at this late date, I’m finding it’s hard on my knees.
What I Am Reading
—I actually started Pet! Finally! It’s not really what I thought it was going to be. Eager to finish it, then begin the next book on my docket: There, There.
—The Writing the Other: A Deep Dive into Diverse Characters course continues. There’s so much to think about, and do, and learn within it.
What I Am Writing
—I figured out solutions to all requested fixes for the novel. I am half tempted to cancel all my classes next week, and do a writing intensive… but… I haven’t made full prof yet. :)
—I have a fanfiction bunny that won’t go away, which isn’t at all helpful.
—I need to begin the RTE editorial for the August 2020 literacy policy issue. Super excited about the amazing colleagues I’ve recruited to write In Dialogue forum pieces!
Being/Doing/Going.
—Classes are still going well.
—The Ethnography in Education Research Forum begins tomorrow. (This is our 40th year. It’s a big deal, and folks come from all over the world.)
—I’ve updated my Events page! Looking forward to learning and sharing my work with others this spring and summer.
Word(s) of the Week
Grace. The recognition that I’m hopscotching my way through life shouldn’t come with self-condemnation. It’s just being more aware, which (I hope) will lead to me being much more present even during the busiest times.